The Girl With the Dumb Cancer (*we hope*)

(title thanks to my dear friend Lauren!)

I’m happy to report that it’s been a better week after my venting session on Monday.  Although it’s been a quiet week, since I’ve continued to have very little voice (those of you who know me well know that’s quite frustrating for me) thanks to my cold.  But I’m on antibiotics and on the mend now!

I had an appointment with my surgeon yesterday to regroup and discuss my progress to-date, and was very happy to hear that she thinks my tumor is already responding to the chemo as hoped.  She said it appears softer, less swollen, and a little smaller – all good signs.  So that was very encouraging to hear.  I’m having an ultrasound on Monday so will know more after the results of that, and she reminded me that the greatest results are usually seen after at least three rounds of chemo, but I’ll go with any preliminary positive results! I also had a long discussion with her about my prognosis and future options.  There are still so many unknowns right now, which is very challenging for a worrier like me, but my doctor is a wealth of information.  Here’s what I do know after our discussion: as long as I continue to tolerate the chemo well (and that it appears to be working), I will have a double mastectomy (with reconstruction) sometime in early to mid-March.  I’m definitely not a candidate for a lumpectomy due to the size of my tumor, and having a double is a more proactive way to go based on my age and genetic history. She also explained to me why having chemo first is so much better than surgery first (despite the mental strain of it): not only does it hopefully eradicate any cells that are potentially percolating throughout my body, but it also gives them so much more information about my cancer and its response to the drugs, that can be used both in the short-term and in the long-term if ever needed again.  She said my particular type of cancer, estrogen positive, is more treatable because it looks different than a regular cell, which makes it harder to slip through my body undetected.  So even though I obsess over the lymph node involvement that we already know about, she said it’s likely (and we hope) that the nodes have stopped the cells since they appear different from normal, good cells.  So here’s hoping my cancer wasn’t smart enough to figure out a way to slip through undetected.  While I generally strive to be an overachiever in life, right now I want the dumb cancer!

Prognosis is much more unclear and not something my surgeon (or anyone else) can ever give me firm answers to, despite all of my questions.  I’m definitely a stage 3 on the staging scale (1 is best, 4 is the bad type) due to the size of my tumor.  And we won’t truly know how many nodes are involved until they are removed in my surgery.  And you never *really* know if the cancer has spread until you see it set up shop in another organ (my PET scan indicates it hasn’t done that yet, but you still don’t truly know what it will do in the shorter-term)  Even with a mastectomy, microscopic bits are left behind.  Apparently after three years, your chance of spread or reoccurrence from this particular cancer drops dramatically.  But no guarantees, of course.  So this is what I am going to have to learn to wrap my brain around and deal with for the long-term, since I plan to have many years ahead of me after I beat this.  And I guess this is where I need to learn these difficult coping skills.  I do have a cancer therapist who I am seeing regularly (and really like) and I’ll be starting to attend a weekly breast cancer support group next week.  I guess the rest of those coping skills are acquired with time and maturity.  I’ve only had this diagnosis for slightly over 6 weeks now, so I know I’m not there yet.  But hopefully I’ll have a long, long time to get there (assuming my cancer is of the “dumb” variety!).

In other news, I’m definitely looking more and more like a Ninja thanks to my lack of hair.  Or maybe someone from the “The Matrix.” My buzz cut is shedding constantly.  I look like someone who owns a small, shedding dog. Owen has made it clear to all of us that he likes me much better with hair, so I’m trying to be more cognizant of that and wear my hair around the house for his sake.  His guidance counselor has been checking on him regularly, and he drew a beautiful picture of me without hair with a hat on earlier this week.  Classic!  But he seems to be doing just fine, otherwise, and Colin is completely unaffected.  If only they would sleep at night (in their own beds!), I would be thrilled.  I’m looking forward to enjoying a fun weekend since I should be feeling good before this whole exciting cycle begins again next week. It’s a marathon, believe me!

Again, thanks to all of you in my blog world for listening to me vent and deal with the ins and outs of my new warrior status.  It is so very much appreciated!!